Ask Amy: Every time I catch him, he says he’s been hacked
DEAR AMY: I’ve recently caught my husband of two years (father of our two sons) cheating. This is the fourth time I’ve caught him. The first time was just after our older son was born, 18 months ago. Our second baby is just 3 months old.
Columnist Amy Dickinson (Bill Hogan/Chicago Tribune)
Every time this happens, he claims he has been hacked.
I have staggering evidence every time that the pictures and the conversations are genuine — they contain things only he would know. But he is always able to show me some proof that he was hacked.
I always choose to believe him, because cheating doesn’t even match his behavior or personality, but eventually I look again, and there it is — all over again.
When I confront him, he deletes Facebook and beefs up the security on his phone, although he never lets me see it.
Even if I choose to believe him, is it right for him to hide his phone activity from me when this is a recurring issue?
Conflicted and Hurt
DEAR CONFLICTED: Your husband doesn’t seem to be effective in preventing these so-called breaches to his security. If Facebook is being hacked over and over again, simply deleting and then reinstalling the app isn’t going to fix things. (And why do these hacks always bring other people sliding into his mentions?)
In short, no — I don’t believe him.
You have two very young children. Yes, trust is a choice. If it is best for you to trust your husband in order to stay in a relationship with him, then you will continue to trust him. However, merely believing his lame explanations does not make your partnership healthy or whole.
The way to recover from cheating (or handle unfounded accusations of cheating) is through complete transparency. He should show you his phone whenever you want to see it, instead of denying the obvious and then gaslighting you.
My favorite book on infidelity contains insight into this relationship dynamic, as well as tools for healing. Read: “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass (2004, Atria Books).
DEAR AMY: After 30 years at a well-known corporation in a professional financial position, I was recently let go. I have worked in the same industry for a total of 40 years. While it stung to be let go, the truth is that I have never been happier.
I will continue to be compensated for a substantial period of time, but am no longer dealing with a long commute or office politics.
In addition, my politics were 100 percent opposite of those in this industry and while I kept quiet, I heard insulting comments on an almost daily basis by these people who felt they were the elite intellectuals of the world.
While there is no real reason for me to work for the foreseeable future, I got bored at home and so just looked for a job to give me a reason to go out, be around people and put a few bucks in my pocket.
I took a cashier’s position with a company where most of the cashiers are minorities or others who my old co-workers would surely look down upon.
Even some family members and friends have commented that I am not working “up to my potential,” but the truth is that I haven’t been this happy in many years. The people I work with are extremely nice.
Should I feel bad about possibly taking a job from someone more in need? Should I feel embarrassed about my job?
I feel I have paid my dues. Should I have to listen to anyone else?
Less Stressful Life
DEAR LESS STRESSFUL: You should not feel embarrassed about taking a job as a cashier. Many days, I fantasize about doing the same. I can’t answer whether you should feel guilty taking a job you don’t need away from a person who would need it (I would feel guilty), but I do hope that — at this point in your career arc — you would consider using your expertise to be in service to others, perhaps through a nonprofit.Want Ask Amy delivered to your inbox for free on weekdays?
DEAR AMY: I could have written the letter from “Mrs. Maybe Not,” whose fiance wouldn’t add her to the house deed. I put up with this for many years. I wish I hadn’t. The woman who wrote this question should consider this question a marriage deal-breaker.
DEAR MRS. NOT: Anyone planning to get married should receive competent legal and financial advice beforehand.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Published at Mon, 29 Apr 2019 13:00:31 +0000, source Ask Amy: Every time I catch him, he says he’s been hacked.